Eagle Awner

"Makin' my way downtown..."

- Eagle Awner

His Esteemed Self, The Honorable Doctor Eagle Zakticon "Supafly" Awner, RBA, MD, PhD, MDPhD (born Oryol Zaktokin Antervich, 30th June 1839) has been the Premier of Russia and Royal Beemaster of the Abeloj Federation since 1924. citation needed]

Early Life
Oryol Antervich Zaktokin was born on 30th June 1839 in Saint Petersburg, Russia, to Anter Grigorovich Zaktokin and Matryona Zaktokin (née Parshukova). According to Awner, his mother was not present for the event. citation needed]

He had two siblings, Anna and Karmine, born in the early 1840s. Karmine died from complications during a Hematopoietic stem cell transplant in 1889, and Anna was killed in an earthquake in 1906.citation needed]

Awner's mother was a factory worker and his father was a conscript in the Russian Navy. In 1840, less than a year after the birth of his sister Anna, Awner's parents were divorced.citation needed]

Career
"The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma."

- Eagle Awner During the second World War, Awner briefly entertained a career as both a member of the pro-Jewish relief effort and an officer of the German Sicherheitspolizei.

Awner received his Doctorate on November 7th, 1980, under the assumed name of "Theodore Octavius Mortraven von Sluice." Shortly thereafter, he was called in for an emergency operation on American actor Steve McQueen. citation needed]

In late 2016, Eagle Awner mistakenly received a delivery of two dozen donuts due to a catastrophic mix-up in the Dunkin' Donuts customer database. He has since referred to this as "mankind's greatest achievement."

Family
Awner's father remarried in 1875 to Ekaterine Geladze, with whom he had one son, Jan. He was last seen in the early 1940s, and when questioned about his half-brother's whereabouts, Awner simply stated that he had "Been Gulag'd." citation needed]

Many less-than-reputable sources have claimed that Antervich may be related to the German sports enthusiast known only as "The Zerbicon," however these claims remain largely unsubstantiated. citation needed]

In 1925, Awner was married to Irish author Bridget Dowling during a drunk night in Vegas. The two seperated after Awner discovered that she was, quote, "Literally Hitler." citation needed]

Awner has one nephew-in-law, Adrian Siegfried Wenzeslaus-(Hitler), who passed away at the age of 69 due to a cocaine overdose.

Personal Life
"When I was little child, father take me on boat trip. On boat, I drop sandvich into Okhotskoye. Up come babby whale, eat my sandvich. I look babby whale in beady babby whale eye, and say 'comrade babby whale, today yuo heff make powerful enemy. One day, yuo die, and I will be there to eat yuo.' Grenlandskiy whale live over 200 year. I wait."

- Eagle Awner Awner has a strong distaste for the American rock band Van Halen, calling their song "Why Can't This Be Love", quote, "straight trash."

Aside from his political duties, Awner is also an entrepreneur, art collector, surgeon, beekeeper, Austronaut, luchador, lunchador, professional Dicecards player, majority shareholder of the Make-a-Wish Foundation, and a founding member of the Consortium of Pimps.

Eagle Awner was chosen as Time magazine's Person of the Year in 1939, 1942, and 2007. In 1963, he broke the world record for longest recorded human lifespan. In 2001, he was awarded the Akira Yamato award for world's greatest Mario Karter.